f1 revisited…

f1 formerly known as formula-1 requires a rechristening… no points for guessing what it will be – “ferrari-1” (yeah I am being sarcastic – no points for guessing this too)…

from now on Ferrari cars will be designed like this…

The other team cars will be designed like this…

The design of the cars is frozen at the beginning of every season and subject to approval of the management authorities. Any changes from last season’s design will be closely inspected and any intentions of an advantageous change will be removed failing which the team can be disqualified from the races in the season.

However the above rule does not apply to Ferrari cars and they can continue extending their design advantage throughout the season also. They can tweak their engines and make other design modifications to their cars as and when they please. They are also allowed to take the design of competing companies if required. But then Ferrari will have to submit the report on which team’s design they have used so the FIA can disqualify the competing teams from the constructor championships but they can still run around the tracks as dummies so that Ferrari can benchmark and test their design changes and whether they have made perfect copies.

And yes coming to the race rules, safety is the utmost priority of all FIA sponsored races; safety of Ferrari cars an even higher priority. So if there is any hint that there could be a potential danger on the field, the safety car will be deployed and no cars will be allowed to overtake any other car in front of it. However, Ferrari cars are allowed to brake suddenly and hit the car behind them or hit the car in front so that they can eliminate those drivers who could be potential threats once the safety car is removed. However care should be taken so that the safety car is deployed at such a time as would seem advantageous to Ferrari car positions. To pacify the fans announcements will be made that the decision regarding the offending cars will be made after the race as there were other far more significant rule breaks the stewards will have to attend to – like dismissing the pilot of the airplane that went off course to hit a skyscraper – so that after the race when the champagne and other alcoholic beverages are consumed the fans would either forget the incident or their shouts for justice will fall on deaf inebriated ears.

In case of non-ferrari cars, so much as a slight chance that the driver could have hit a Ferrari car would entitle disqualification of that car from that race. But he may be handled with a certain amount of leniency if the affected team is not Ferrari.

When the race is on, no cars will be allowed to overtake Ferrari cars. But in case of a mistake on the part of the competing teams, they will be let off with un-appealable penalties like drive through penalties or stripping down of the finish positions. The rules will be accordingly modified to make the driver’s actions as illegitimate. Like for instance, upon overtaking a car by cutting corners or jumping chicanes, the position must be immediately ceded to the overtaken driver. If however the car that ceded its lead to the overtaken car, overtakes the car again after relinquishing its advantage, then the rule will be changed as the relinquished position should be maintained for at least one corner. However, if the car still manages to overtake again despite giving the lead away for one corner, another corner will be added to the rule. This will ensure that the total number of corners available will eventually get exhausted and the Ferrari cars will get the maximum advantage till the end of the race.

If however by some impossible chance a car overtakes a Ferrari car towards the end of the race and still manages to finish the race ahead, its position will be unceremoniously stripped and the prizes will be snatched away from the driver and the constructor and given to the bawling Ferrari and its drivers in an attempt to pacify them.

In all cases the Ferrari drivers will be treated on par when dealing with other team drivers. But within the team, the designated number 1 driver decided as the one who is tall, handsome with blue eyes, well built and popular among the female fans as compared to the number 2 driver who will be someone who is pot bellied and balding and almost gives a toothless smile that is repulsive to the female fans. In cases involving disputes between the Ferrari drivers, the number 2 driver would contest like any other non-ferrari driver.

Last but not the least, Ferrari will be allowed to add more manpower into its racing team with people who are the most important part of a winning team – lawyers. This is necessary to protect the rights of righteous companies like Ferrari which is hounded by its vicious competitors. The lawyers will be present everywhere trying to find anything remotely linking to a possible sabotage of the competing teams against Ferrari, and immediately presenting evidence or the lack of it in court so that the competition can be eliminated. An example of grave sabotage includes but not exhaustively, a situation where a Ferrari driver’s pit crew member’s aunt’s cousin’s grandmother’s friend’s granddaughter is present in same premises as a competing driver’s parent auto company’s finance department’s outsourced employee from india has come looking for discarded bills for his income tax submission. Thus we see that lawyers are very essential for a racing team’s success.

At all times and not just during the race FIA nominated authorities who will closely monitor the drivers so that non-ferrari teams can be penalized for any small foot-out-of-line rule breaks so that the high safety standards for the Ferrari drivers and the concept of fair play for can be ensured for them. May the spirit of motor racing be respected.