a day in the life of a singapore steward…

ok. It should be “a night in the life of a singapore steward”, but technically it is not night yet... just a little late in the evening… so maybe it is still within the rules to call it a day…

call it a day? You are kidding… the day has just begun… haha got you… but yes that is the job, and when I signed the job agreement I did not expect this. Maybe it is a fine print legalese, but then I don’t have time to go back and read the 5 pound agreement that I signed… I remember I signed every page… there were a million at least… maybe come to think of it, I don’t even remember whether I got a employee copy of the agreement…

ok, what am I talking about here? Yeah that particular clause where I am supposed to have sold my soul to the devil and that I have to leave my conscience at home or some other place safe so that it does not interfere in my decisions and that I could make a un-biased decision that would make my employers proud…

who are my employers? Oh I actually always wanted to be a top race driver. But as a thick spectacled non-athletic guy who definitely could never meet the rigours of the sport financially, I had to apply for something else. Did I mention I was not very well off academically too? So engineering or anything like that was also ruled out. And I was too slow to be a pit crew…

I always wanted a hot sports car. Hot sports car attracted hot babes and I always wanted a hot babe too. Somebody told me that if you worked for some auto majors they sometimes gave cars at very subsidized rates, sometimes even free. And hot sports cars usually came out of racing companies. Maybe I could get lucky. I became a race enthusiast. But my dream of working for an auto major was not to happen since I did not possess much talent that were desired. Or so I thought…

There was one more thing I was good at – finding fault. There never was enough cheese in my cheese burger, the traffic police always picked on me, the teachers were incompetent and the subjects were tough, the buses were always late, the cabbies overcharged, the metro was underground and the flights were too high above, I didn’t have a girlfriend and my parents were not rich. Ok, got it? So this talent of mine was noticed by someone who said I was just the right person for this job. Apparently there was a very heavy turnover of people in this position and they could not take the stress.

What was my job? I just had to find fault. Find as many faults as possible to make my client’s team win. It was easy. I was so cut out for this job. But yes the stress is pretty high. Like today for instance…

The day was hot and humid – a typical day near the equator. There were predictions of rain, and that caused greater panic in my client’s team as their most significant competitor had cars and drivers that were very good under rainy conditions. Yes, that is how they tried to win the last race, but my colleagues and I did a very good job. We even got a small bonus which we promptly spent in some stock purchase as the markets were down… so we were all the more keener to get more bonuses.

Today’s race was very important to my client because it was a new track and they had to win to prove that they were ready for any challenge and that their expertise was not just due to the excessive practicing they could easily afford. So we were all glued to the race through our window, doing what we did best – finding fault.

The race started ok. Our team’s cars were up in the front places and they did not lose their positions. But then our client felt that we cannot press the panic button so early even though our closest competitor was sandwiched between their 2 cars. They felt that the people would call it unfair. I did warn them that all is fair in love and war and this was war. But my bosses and clients’ sentiments were to be respected (I would have called it their whim, but they paid my stock market investments). So we had to cut them some slack before I started doing my the thing.

I went to get myself a cup of coffee when pandemonium broke out. Some idiot had crashed out and brought out the safety cars. Luckily it was not my client’s so that only eliminated some competition. Still the race was slowing down… but my coffee was doing a good job. I was wide awake and fully prepared to find the tiniest of mistakes. What is the situation now? Oh, some early riders are jumping into the pit lane and they will get an early mover advantage over my client who has not pitted yet… haha, gotcha… the lane is not open yet under the safety car – drive through penalty. My client smiled a half smile and gave me the thumbs up – that power company which is at an all time low… here I come with my bonus.

But then the unthinkable happened. My client’s car pitted in the next round and everything was going fine when suddenly the immature upstart hastily left dragging the fuel line with him. Disaster!!! And look at the other competitor cars driving so dangerously close to this car. I mentally made a note for the suggestion of the month – when my client is making a pit stop, the others will have to wait outside the pit lane, till my client leaves it.

Ok. The crazy upstart competitor will have to be punished. Where is the rule book… where is it… aah got it… can my client be excused? oh no… I am scr***d… my client will definitely be angry for punishing his driver… how do I do this without endangering my bonus… mmm I need time to think… send that message out “stewards investigating…” that buys me some time.

There is only one way. Relative grading. I have to give the client a drive through penalty, if I don’t the crowd will just mob the stands. The hell with it, of all the days they had to be in their highest numbers today. I will give the client a drive through, but for the other competitors a drive through plus a stop go… haha… the boss will be pleased. I am a genius.

But now my client’s driver is pushed really back. The hell with him. Why could that driver not just wait for them to pull out the fuel line? I am not a magician. How do I make this @$$ of a driver win? I could do a better job than him and all those pit babes will be fawning over me… focus focus back to reality… I will really have to keep my eyes peeled to make sure that all the others can get eliminated. Suddenly my bonus seems that bit unreachable…

Damage control is the need of the day. It is impossible for the client to finish on the podium, unless they start counting from the back. And that will happen when the sun rises in the west. But how do I explain this to my dumb client??? Let me try reasoning with him. Let us try to keep them in the championship race. There are 2 ways – eliminate the closest rival’s cars and move the client’s cars into the points range.

There I see that competitor… how do I eliminate him… he is not even driving his usual aggressive style. And the other car is unlikely to cause any problems to my client’s drivers who are totally having a good time driving at the end of the line without anybody at their tails. I think I should look in the pit lane. Aah I see that driver’s dad… what is he doing there? Is that illegal… no… now he is picking his nose… aha in singapore you will be fined, maybe even arrested – is that a reason enough to suspend the driver? Hmmph no… pit crew check… no they are also fine. Who is that guy with the giant circle at the end of the stick? All the other teams are using it too… my team does not have that… so can I eliminate them all together in one master stroke so that we can have more fun with our automated technology that replaced that guy… my client is a smart cost cutter…

Focus focus… the race is almost over… I need to find something. Night race, what can I do. Hah… that silver paint? It is actually reflecting the lights and giving additional illumination to the driver… that is an unfair advantage definitely… all other cars have other colors, only silver is a metallic shine… moreover that dazzle is causing a disturbance to other drivers when they try to overtake… but that guy is not trying to overtake too… I am tearing my hair. But that unfair advantage is definitely worth exploring. Maybe after the race we can again strip him of the title…

I can’t control my glee… the bonus seems back within reach again…

PS. Sometimes I feel my client’s drivers got their licenses by bribing the officials to pass the driving test… but then I would be out of a job.

f1 revisited…

f1 formerly known as formula-1 requires a rechristening… no points for guessing what it will be – “ferrari-1” (yeah I am being sarcastic – no points for guessing this too)…

from now on Ferrari cars will be designed like this…

The other team cars will be designed like this…

The design of the cars is frozen at the beginning of every season and subject to approval of the management authorities. Any changes from last season’s design will be closely inspected and any intentions of an advantageous change will be removed failing which the team can be disqualified from the races in the season.

However the above rule does not apply to Ferrari cars and they can continue extending their design advantage throughout the season also. They can tweak their engines and make other design modifications to their cars as and when they please. They are also allowed to take the design of competing companies if required. But then Ferrari will have to submit the report on which team’s design they have used so the FIA can disqualify the competing teams from the constructor championships but they can still run around the tracks as dummies so that Ferrari can benchmark and test their design changes and whether they have made perfect copies.

And yes coming to the race rules, safety is the utmost priority of all FIA sponsored races; safety of Ferrari cars an even higher priority. So if there is any hint that there could be a potential danger on the field, the safety car will be deployed and no cars will be allowed to overtake any other car in front of it. However, Ferrari cars are allowed to brake suddenly and hit the car behind them or hit the car in front so that they can eliminate those drivers who could be potential threats once the safety car is removed. However care should be taken so that the safety car is deployed at such a time as would seem advantageous to Ferrari car positions. To pacify the fans announcements will be made that the decision regarding the offending cars will be made after the race as there were other far more significant rule breaks the stewards will have to attend to – like dismissing the pilot of the airplane that went off course to hit a skyscraper – so that after the race when the champagne and other alcoholic beverages are consumed the fans would either forget the incident or their shouts for justice will fall on deaf inebriated ears.

In case of non-ferrari cars, so much as a slight chance that the driver could have hit a Ferrari car would entitle disqualification of that car from that race. But he may be handled with a certain amount of leniency if the affected team is not Ferrari.

When the race is on, no cars will be allowed to overtake Ferrari cars. But in case of a mistake on the part of the competing teams, they will be let off with un-appealable penalties like drive through penalties or stripping down of the finish positions. The rules will be accordingly modified to make the driver’s actions as illegitimate. Like for instance, upon overtaking a car by cutting corners or jumping chicanes, the position must be immediately ceded to the overtaken driver. If however the car that ceded its lead to the overtaken car, overtakes the car again after relinquishing its advantage, then the rule will be changed as the relinquished position should be maintained for at least one corner. However, if the car still manages to overtake again despite giving the lead away for one corner, another corner will be added to the rule. This will ensure that the total number of corners available will eventually get exhausted and the Ferrari cars will get the maximum advantage till the end of the race.

If however by some impossible chance a car overtakes a Ferrari car towards the end of the race and still manages to finish the race ahead, its position will be unceremoniously stripped and the prizes will be snatched away from the driver and the constructor and given to the bawling Ferrari and its drivers in an attempt to pacify them.

In all cases the Ferrari drivers will be treated on par when dealing with other team drivers. But within the team, the designated number 1 driver decided as the one who is tall, handsome with blue eyes, well built and popular among the female fans as compared to the number 2 driver who will be someone who is pot bellied and balding and almost gives a toothless smile that is repulsive to the female fans. In cases involving disputes between the Ferrari drivers, the number 2 driver would contest like any other non-ferrari driver.

Last but not the least, Ferrari will be allowed to add more manpower into its racing team with people who are the most important part of a winning team – lawyers. This is necessary to protect the rights of righteous companies like Ferrari which is hounded by its vicious competitors. The lawyers will be present everywhere trying to find anything remotely linking to a possible sabotage of the competing teams against Ferrari, and immediately presenting evidence or the lack of it in court so that the competition can be eliminated. An example of grave sabotage includes but not exhaustively, a situation where a Ferrari driver’s pit crew member’s aunt’s cousin’s grandmother’s friend’s granddaughter is present in same premises as a competing driver’s parent auto company’s finance department’s outsourced employee from india has come looking for discarded bills for his income tax submission. Thus we see that lawyers are very essential for a racing team’s success.

At all times and not just during the race FIA nominated authorities who will closely monitor the drivers so that non-ferrari teams can be penalized for any small foot-out-of-line rule breaks so that the high safety standards for the Ferrari drivers and the concept of fair play for can be ensured for them. May the spirit of motor racing be respected.